"Heartsounds" by David Lanz--find it and listen to it!

I stopped playing the piano in 9th grade.

In 6th grade, for hours on end, I would just sit at the piano and play. I'll admit, I gained a few extra pounds from all that sitting, but that's all I did. That was my life, that was my passion. I taught myself from the Complete Levels 1-4 from about 4th-6th grade. I took real lessons for a year to complete up to 6, but all I really learned was a few technicalities here and there. I taught myself how to play the piano, I was that determined. I could not stop playing. A four-octave keyboard with a broken key couldn't stop me. Broken fingers couldn't stop me.

So why did I stop playing the piano in 9th grade?

My life turned upside down in 9th grade. I was on top of the school and had the time of my life. I had a best friend that almost knew me as well as I knew myself, and vise-versa. But the more I hung out with her, the less I played the piano. The less I read my scriptures. The less I said my prayers... There he sat, my dear, precious piano, collecting dust. I told myself I stilled played, but I didn't. I would go weeks without playing a single note at home, for myself. I played for choir and church constantly, but that didn't count.

I finally realized a little into my junior year in high school that this friendship wasn't going to work. I might have done it a little too harshly, but I had to end it. All it did was pull me down, further and further. I couldn't carry this burden around any longer. It hasn't even clicked until now, this very instant, as I am typing this paragraph, that something wonderful has come from that. I ended it with her, and suddenly, I am becoming so much closer to my friends at school. I am meeting so many new people, I can't even keep track of them all. And most importantly, I'm reading my scriptures again, and I'm praying. I still struggle, but I am doing it.

And I play the piano again. For the first time in over a year, in October, I sat down at the piano, and I played. I played until my back ached. I played until my eyes dried out. I played, I played, oh I played. And how wonderful it felt. I had not had so much joy in my life before. The world was falling apart all around me, and still is, but in my heart, there is peace when I play. I play for the music. I play for the feel of my fingers over the keys. I play for the feelings in my heart. They slide down my arms and come out my fingertips. And mostly, I think. I ponder, I meditate. I realized that I had not sat down and actually just thought since I had stopped playing the piano. And now, I can't stop it. I am constantly playing now. I sit down, alone with myself and my thoughts, and I play for hours on end. This is no exageration (sp). I literally play for hours on end. I play so much, I have a tendency to cut it close with getting to work on time. I'll admit, I have put on those pounds I lost in 9th grade, but I don't care--it's worth it. It's worth all the world to me to just take those few hours a day and play.

One other secret I'll share with you: I play more when I like a guy. And you cannot even begin to imagine how much I have been playing the piano since last Friday. I have a couple songs that I just LOVE to play that are perfect to describe my feelings for this guy. It's just one part of a song, and I play it over and over and over again, and I'm sure my family is sick of it, but that's all I can say about him. There's one particular song...it's called Wedding Rain, and it is beautiful. It's a really long song, but there's one part that I absolutely love to play over and over again, and everytime, I think about him. I think of what could happen, what will happen, will anything happen? I think of our friendship. I think of his personality. I think of everything. That song reminds me of him. Sometimes, I ask myself, do I really like him? And then I think of him and his smile and just his complete and utter awesomeness, and I say, Yeah, I like him. And sometimes, when I'm really in one of those moods, I play the whole song. It is so beautiful. It's so soft, so peaceful, and constantly moving. Yet, there is a sort of mysterious edge to it, a few of those minor sounding chords in there, that just say...I can't describe it. You just have to listen to it. It is perfect, and I intend to memorize that one part so I can play it for everybody!

So, before I make this any longer, and before people (aka my dear loyal readers) start gouging their eyes out (love you mi!), I'm just going to say one more thing: Maybe I would care a tiny bit, but even if he turns out to like someone else, or no one at all, I won't die. All I ask of him is a friendship that we will keep, hopefully, for a very long, long while. I want to kidnap him at 10pm on summer nights and go somewhere, and just talk for hours. I want to talk with him, just talk and talk. The poor fellow, he doesn't even realize how often I talk about him.

Thanks again for listening.

-9c

Summer 2006 Goals

(for self or buddies)
~Work and save up money. Save, save, save.
~Buy a couch for my room.
~Buy a small battery-operated radio for The Boat.
~Run, run, run!
~Go back to Washington
~ROAD TRIP!! (Like Moab or St. George--seriously!)

Uh....that's all I have for now, but if you have any other ideas ladies (you know who you are mi, b, kates!!) or just anyone, let me know!!! Love ya!

I am a Work of Infinite Worth. "Oh baby, I...must be doing something...right..."

Today couldn't have been any worse. I can't find my Petit Nicolas book for French anywhere. My French teacher hates me, I swear it. I have no clue what's going on in AP.

I talked to him at lunch today. It was a lot better than yesterday. Things are going well between us. I wasn't sure if he was a member or not, and I've been wondering that for a long time. You can't imagine my joy when today at lunch I saw that CTR ring on his finger. Honestly, I think that was a tender mercy from the Lord. I just had to see it today at lunch. One of the highlights of my day. I swear, I swear, he's not the most attractive guy on the planet. But I'm attracted to him. And not just because of Friday. There's something...I don't know, I can't explain. Maybe there was some truth in what he said Friday night?

"...I feel like I've known her forever..."

Softball today was terrible. We ran the required mile first, then went downstairs to lift. I lifted the requirement, but then I felt claustrophobic (sp). I went back upstairs and I kept running. To get away from my worries. To get away from the world. To get away from Fieldstead. Tonight was so utterly horrible, I could have broken down right there in the middle of the gym. It didn't help any that my sister was there. I know she means good, but I felt too high of expectations from her, and from my coach, and from everyone. That just put me down further. I wanted to keep running.

I didn't go home afterward. It was 10pm, and I didn't go home. I gathered together my money, filled my tank half way, and set out. Next to me on the seat was a waterbottle I bought at the gas station. I honestly wanted to drink my cares away, and besides milk, water was the best substitute for Whiskey. Or anything. I wanted to buy a huge thing of Arrowhead, but they didn't have any. No worries, that water was good enough. Actually, it was wonderful.

Where did I drive to? Everywhere. I drove past many friends' houses, including his. I actually did his twice. And then I set out to my original destination: Provo Temple. I drove around that for a while, then finally settled in a parking lot right across from the temple grounds. I parked the truck with the back facing the temple. I pulled the sandbag toward the cab (it made a terrible noise--I felt I was disturbing the peace and tranquility of the temple), and in my basketball shorts, a t-shirt, and a thin hoodie, I sat on that sandbag and leaned against my cab, the beautiful temple and mountains right in front of me. And I cried. I cried and I cried. It took me a while at first, but once I got going, I couldn't stop. And I talked with the Lord. He asked me, "Why are you crying?" and I told Him everything. And that was when I knew that the Lord had not forgotten me. I felt His warmth in the chilly night air. I wasn't cold at all. He has a plan in store for me, a wonderful plan, and it's not my time to go yet. I still have stuff to do in this life. I have to become a righteous wife, raise a righteous family. I've always wanted to get married in the SLC Temple, just because it's like a castle, and absolutely gorgeous. And to be honest, I've always hated the Provo Temple because it's so plain. However, I decided that my temple is the Provo Temple. I haven't been there very often, not as much as SLC or Mt. Timpanogos, but everytime I go, I feel something special there, something I don't feel at any other temple. The Provo Temple is my temple, and that is where I will be sealed to my husband and family for all eternity.

I drove around some more afterward, and as I drove, I thought. And I mostly thought about him. I was around BYU area, so whenever I saw a young man, I would think, "Hm, how about him?" But I would always shake my head and say, "No, he's not my type." Well, what is my type? And always, without fail, he came to mind. I don't even know why. He's not really my type, not the kind I've always imagined for myself. Yet, I feel so comfortable with him. And he fits so much better to my personality than any other guy I've tried to see myself with. I thought about his comment from Friday, and then I really thought. Did I really just meet him 4 days ago? Have I only been with him for such a short time, meaning so far two lunches at school? His face...is that really a face I have barely seen? Was it just Friday night that burned this image into my mind, or is it something else, something beyond explaination? Please, I'm not trying to say I'm in love with him and that he is my soulmate. Honestly. But I do feel a connection. Something is there. Something...I just don't know what, or if anything will happen.

Anyways, I was absolutely craving chocolate ice cream, specifically a frosty, so I stopped by Wendy's to grab a frosty, and now I'm here, 12:30am, Wednesday morning, eating my Frosty and typing my soul out.

Feel special I just shared with you the deepest thoughts of my heart. I'm having a hard time right now, so if you ever see me, just give me a big, squeezy hug. It seriously makes all the difference in my day.

Aidez moi...aidez moi...

J'ai...quelque chose--je ne sais pas le mot--j'ai (quelque chose) quelqu'un...un garcon...et je ne sais pas quel faire. Comme j'ai dit a ma soeur, il n'est pas un garcon qui, si je l'avais vu au lycee avant Vendredi, je n'aurais pas le regarde deux fois! Mais, parce qu'il etait si gentil, si chouette, a moi, surtout a moi...comme une autre fille que je connais, peut-etre...je ne sais pas, peut-etre, je commence a l'aimer? C'est vrai?

Je me dit, beaucoup, que je ne l'ai imagine que. Non, c'est vrai. Ce n'est pas mon imagination. D'accord, je dit qu'il est un garcon qui est gentil pour tous les filles. Mais non. Parce qu'il ne faisait pas attention, beaucoup, aux autres filles....

Ok you know what? My french gets worse and worse as I try to go along, getting this out what's been building up inside of me...the words and thoughts are coming faster than I can translate...it's not really working.

Why is it in French? I don't know. I guess this could be another strange thing I've been doing lately. Whenever I become passionate about something, whether I'm angry or just have to get my feelings out, I scream French. That's the very first thing that comes to my head, and the very first thing that comes out. The first line that I wrote has been repeating itself over and over inside my head all day. What's going on? What is happening? And what was with Friday night and...him??? Somebody that was there, please help. You were able to see from the outside in. Please...

My Sincere Apologies

So I just realized that I could have kept the same Neinsi thing and just added a new blog, instead of creating a WHOLE ENTIRE NEW THINGY (for 9c) and making it difficult-er for my friends to navigate around...

I think my main reason was probably because I really didn't want Rich finding it. I don't know what it is, but I really have something against that man. And now I have to spend money on him for a stupid grade. He really does think he's King of Mt. View. I say he teaches pre-school. See how he feels about that.

I've been doing something rather interesting lately. I don't know why, but when I'm in one of those, "I just need to be by myself" moods and escape from everything, I go to the piano, put on my hood, and play my heart out. I don't know what it is, but just wearing that hood somehow makes me feel more secure and off in my own world as I play. It gives me a feeling of comfort, like for once, I can be loved.

The "Happy Birthday" song, sung to me on my 17th birthday.

Total Times: 9

Hey, 9 for 9c. Sweet.

This was my best birthday yet.

Probably not, but read this--it might be worth your while.

I'm sitting here stuffing my face with chips and salsa, waiting for Missy to call me. I never eat salsa. It's too spicy. But right now I'm finding it incredibly irresistable. I can't get enough of it. I need Mi to call me. I love my family, and it's not that I want to get away from every relative in Utah that's at my house, but just the fact that I was going to do something fun tonight, and I was looking forward to it, and Mi said she would call me when she got home from SLC, which would be around 8:30pm. This isn't one of those, "I told him to call me, but he never did" things. This is a, "I just gotta get out of here and away..." I need someone to call me. Mainly I want Mi to call me because she's not at Preference tonight, and neither am I. I'm not at Preference because Mi's not at Preference. I was only going to go to Preference on the condition that Missy went to Preference. Well, the guy she was going to ask, D, you see, he turned her down because a senior asked him after Missy did, and he went with the senior because it would be her last year. Not that I'm complaining much, but just whenever I see this senior girl, I want to strangle that cute little face of her's. I'm not mad because I'm not going to Preference because Missy's not going. I really could care less if I went to Preference. It's saving me a buttload of money. Besides, both the guys I wanted to ask got asked before I got to them. On to Plan C? No, Mi got rejected. And then what do I have to go and do? I have to start liking this very D that turned Mi down!! It's not Mi's fault at all. I'm only giving her credit because she introduced us. And that's really the only reason why I care that C asked D and got him to say yes to her instead of Mi, because now I'm not going to be in the same group as him...
Typing so much? Yes, because she's not calling me. I need to get out, or I'm going to eat my heart out and get fat. I don't care about the running. I don't want to get out to run. I just want to get out just to hang out with my very good friends. Missy is one of my best friends. I have no clue how this happened. We knew each other in French, I sat by her, but I didn't think much of her because, I'm so sorry to say, she was a 4th year Frenchie and I was in AP. She seemed to me rather insignificant, and I didn't think too much of her, except that I knew she was way awesome because no one in Park 1st ward could stop talking about her. I didn't hold that against her. I believed what everyone said about her, and I knew she was an awesome girl. I just never bothered to really get to know her. And then, I don't know what happened. No clue. All of a sudden B is hanging out with her, and I'm talking to Mi. But just in French. We ate lunch in the same area, but I didn't really talk to her there. And then I'm getting her cell number. I still don't know what happened there. And then we got a new seating chart in French, and Mi and I are excited because we are still sitting next to each other. And then the shot that triggered it all...
At this point, I still didn't know if I knew Mi very well, and definitely didn't ever think of hanging out with her. Heck, I hardly talked to her outside of French! And then she calls me at work. I couldn't answer, so she left a voicemail! Only someone that really wants to get a hold of me leaves a voicemail (besides Katie muah). I called her back, and she said she really wanted me to come play this awesome game with her called "Fugitive," and all of a sudden, I don't know! I honestly in my right (or wrong) mind don't know what happened! We just, hit it off. We already knew each other, but it just seemed right there we started to be like, "Hey, we're friends." Or at least that's what it seemed like to me. We wanted to hang out again afterwards, and you can't make us stop talking to each other in French any free time we get. I used to only write notes to B, and I never write notes normally, but now I'm writing notes to Mi too! I am with Mi constantly now. Maybe not, but we hang out a lot more. It's like boom boom boom, one right after the other. Fugitive. Stake dance. French. Cinnamon. Running. Oh the running!! Missy, I need to run with you! It's not just that I need to run to get in shape, and even though I've only gone once, I love this time to run with you because, I don't know, we're spending time together. I know we don't talk much while we run (I find it impossible to talk while I run), but to me, running time is bonding time. I never say this word, but I FREAKING love Missy Russell. I don't know what I'd do without her.
She texted me just barely, so I'm doing better.
And P.S. I applied at Rumbi Island Grill today. Think it'll work?

Run, 9c, Read...Run!

I agree with Missy about the running thing. It's terrible at first, but once you get going at it for a while, you really get used to it, and it becomes...enjoyable! I can't wait to go running again! And now I really understand why people that run a lot freak out when they skip a day. I've only gone once, but already today I was freaking out because I had all this energy that I had to get out! Also, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get any running in at all. I didn't want this to turn into a "Run 4 miles one day, skip the next couple of days, get back out of shape in the meantime, and then kill yourself trying to run 4 miles again" routine. This has to be an everyday thing in order to build up the endurance I need, and to get into shape for softball. Way to go Missy for pushing me like that! Whooo!
(ack I can't type my arms are shaky from pushups!!)
So I, Miss Analogy, have come up with a few different things that I can relate this too, some being inspiring and encouraging, and some rather guilt-trippy.
#1) Having to run 4 miles every day is like digging 5x5 holes everyday. The first hole feels like the worst day of your life, and you are sore as heck afterwards. However, they say the second hole is the worst. The next day, you will be extremely sore, yet you still have to dig that hole. You still have to run those 4 miles. It's painful, but after several days of doing this over and over again, your body gets used to it and the going isn't quite so bad. Running is like digging holes.
#2) Now here comes the bad part. I can't just run 4 miles one day, then rest the next few days thinking it'll hold me over. It won't. I'll get out of shape, I'll get back lazy. One day will not cut it. I have to keep constantly running day after day to get my body used to it and to get stronger. I have to keep working those muscles and lungs. Now I compare this to scripture reading. I admit I am guilty to this. I read a lot one night, and then because I'm thinking I'm "ahead," I'll just procrastinate reading the next day or two, only getting a few verses here or there. It just doesn't work like that. Our spirit grows hungry every day, just like our bodies get hungry. Our spirits dwindle when we don't constantly continue reading every day, just like our muscles do when we don't work them constanty every day.
#3) This one is just a random thought. At the beginning of the run, I'm fresh, and I feel like I can run anywhere, but by the end, I'm very weary and feel like I'm going to collapse at any moment. Such is the case in the Book of Mormon with the Nephite armies. They marched a lot. After their marching, they are overtaken by the Lamanites because they are weary. Then another good army comes in to save them because they are fresh. Those are the exact words, and last night when I was running, it really hit home. This was exactly what these Nephite warriors had to go through. It was so hard for me, and I can imagine it would be very hard for them, especially to have to fight with those honkin' huge swords! Hey Buddy Nephite, I feel for ya.

I really wish I was a better writer. This stuff sounded a lot better in my head, but it always seems once I get it down in words they screw everything up because they're not the right words or phrased right to emphasize whatever I want to say. I look up to really good writers.

Ok I'm done.

New favorite person: MG(or J?)R
(I still love everyone else don't worry!)

OH THE CINNAMON!!!!

sorry that last post was kinda lame...i just had to get those thoughts out, and i needed an idea of what to write for neinsi...

How ironic is this that right after I write my blog about not worrying about there being a guy in my life right now and how I'm the only sane one because I don't have a boyfriend or a guy that I like, I meet a guy! Now, I'm not saying anything is going to happen, but hey, he is cute, and we are friends! We've been texing each other a ton, but then I just realized that I have less than 300 to last me until the 21st, and if we keep texting each other the way we are, it's definitely not going to last. It was a sad day when I had to tell him we couldn't talk so much anymore, and oh darn, guess we're gonna have to hang out! He is a way nice guy. He's awesome.
No, I'm just going to come out and go right against what I was just barely saying. He's not the one for me. I think I like him, but I don't. It's because I want to like a guy so much, and to have someone like me that any new guy I meet, I will make myself like him. I'll think that I like him, but I won't. Because I met D and just the way we hit it right off and we've been talking til late hours and because when we met he looked me in the eyes (I'm not saying guys don't look me in the eyes), I automatically started to daydream dreams that weren't possible. I'm reading too far into things. D is a way nice guy, and way nice guys like that always look everyone they're talking to in the eyes. Maybe it was because the way I felt about myself that night. Lately I've been feeling really good about myself, what with acne clearing up and losing weight, so you can imagine that night at work that I felt rather...eh...prettier than normal, so I read into things and was thinking that he was looking at me because this girl he's been texting has turned out to be someone cute! I hope I didn't disappoint him. Maybe he was thinking possibilities, too. I'm not trying to rationalize these possibilites away. There is a chance...we kept talking that night. We talked late. I even called him (for M, but still), and as I was about to say good-bye, he told me to wait, and he talked some more. Nothing special. And then he came up to me to talk to me at school...Oh I don't know! Do I really like him or not? I think I'm just going to let time tell, and hang out with him more.

(for some people--there's going to be a repeat of this in neinsi, only for that darn grade)