Of late, I guess I have been feeling, rather, what shall I call it, left out? K has N, A has S, J has C, J has K, B has B...that's what this is about. Not all, but most of my close friends either have a bf/gf or really likes someone and has possibilities. Every day, I sit there. Physically, we're all together. Emotionally, maybe that's something else. I watch and listen in silence as they recount their time with him, their 3 T's (trials, troubles, tribulations...) with him... Patiently I do this. Every day. I love them, and I really do love and care hearing about what's going on in their lives. But the more I hear of their seemingly love-filled lives, the more and more I realize how empty my own is in that category. I like no boys. I have tried to like boys, but the more I try convincing myself that boy is the one, the more I know he isn't.

I just don't think it's in my nature to be close to a boy right now. Sure, I've had my fair share of crushes, but I've never acted upon it. That's just not how I am. Maybe I'm too scared, like I'm afraid he won't like me and I'm seemingly throwing my heart out only to be trampled upon. Maybe I'm just uncomfortable getting too close to someone. I never hug any of my guy friends. And they never hug me. To me, that's just how it is, and I've never questioned it until lately. Is it because I have more of that "sporty/tomboy/tough" look about me that makes it seem, weird?, to get close to me other than just really good friends?

Other than that, I just don't have time for boys. I'm not saying this only because when a girl likes a boy, she's thinks of him 24/7, practically taking over her life. I'm saying I really don't have time for boys. I barely even have time for my friends! I have school to worry about, not to mention all that homework. I have work to worry about, and soon, it will be softball as well. I know my life is busy, but I'm working on my future right now. I can worry about boys later. Right now, I need to focus on getting into college, and earning money so I can pay the bills and save up for college. I just can't worry about boys right now.

Don't worry--I still find time for my friends and the occasional date or two. I've been to a few dances so far, and they have been...fun. The church says to date around in high school, and trust me, I'm dating around. That's not a problem, going on dates or anything. Just no steady dating. Our leaders know what they're talking about when they drill this in over and over. Just look at my friends. Too much going on, too much trouble. Too much stress on such a young and feeble heart.

...there's really no point to this, but I just thought I'd get it out, now especially with so much stuff going on with my friends. K says I'm the only sane one in our group...is it really true?

Is it just me or does it seem like all my friends are going away, that our group is completely falling apart? J and B have gone off with K and B and because this is high school drama, C, who is head over heels in love with B, is depressed with his heart left bleeding on the ground because B and B got together. M has a girlfriend now, and he's always off with those people. I never see him anymore. C floats in and out and P comes to visit often. S, J, and E, they're all good. Me, K, and A all have jobs now, and we never get to see each other because we are always working. Scratch that. Because I am always working, and when I'm not working, K is working. I have a secret...at the beginning of the year B and I hit it off really well. You could call us best friends in a way. However, she started hanging out with J, K, and B, who really likes her. I never see B anymore, and when I do, it's never like it was before. I'm not saddened by it, though, at least not as much as I was with L. That's something entirely different, but anyways, what I'm trying to say is that...with all these different people that I have met this year and last, it's seems that K has always been that one friend, if you know what I mean? Sometimes she's a brat, sometimes I'm a brat, but aren't we all. No, seriously. But no matter what, through all the hard times and the fun times, it has always been K that has been there as my (this will sound funny) main friend. She's my best friend. And I miss her a ton because we're always working and I never get to see her or what I love most, talk with her about anything and everything. I was so desparate to talk to her last night that I told her to call me at 11:30pm after I got off work at 11. However, I was held up with dishes until 11:30, and you know what? I could tell she really needed to talk to because I had 5 missed calls, all from her.
K, I hope you read this. I love you so much and thank you so much for being my friend, my first real friend, in high school since the break-off with L.
I think I just lost my train of thought and my fuming, so I'm going to go now, but I just thought I'd say that.

I'm pretty sure I'm not liking being an artist right now, because now I know how and why those poor people are so crazy! So I was sitting at the computer, waiting for a certain time to roll around so I could switch my brother's laundry for him because he needed some clothes for tomorrow...anyways as I was sitting at the computer, a thought came to my head. I had to grab my music book before I forgot it, and before I knew it, by 2am I had arranged all of Kurt Bestor's Angels We Have Heard on High for violin (Crazy #1), including writing it down (Crazy #2)!!! I couldn't stop myself, especially since I didn't want to lose that train of thought, which turned out to be AWESOME and I am so excited to see what it sounds like! Yes, I arranged it without using the piano once (Crazy #3). Then I just had to type up that letter to Bro. Lowe (Crazy #4), because I didn't want to lost that train of thought either, especially with the Spirit working on me like that. So I wrote the letter and then what did I have to go do? I had to get red paper (sneaking into my slumbering parents' room--quite difficult [Crazy #5]) to fold the letter in as a make-shift, olden day envelope, the kind they would use with the WAX (ooh I wish I had some of that stuff...). And I could have stopped there, but NOOOOOOO. I went and got the hole punch (from my parents' room again of all places!!! [Crazy #6]) and punched holes on the top flap. Now, I planned on punching holes on the bottom portion, but the area was a little out of the hole punch's reach. Stupid me ended up grabbing the scissors to poke a rather crude hole and ended up lightly slicing my finger (Crazy's #7 and 8). No worries--no blood. So I grabbed my mechanical pencil to finish on the 2nd hole. Then I had to go downstairs and get some, oh yay, Christmas-colored yarn (Crazy #9!). I threaded the yarn through the holes to close the envelope, and I'm actually very proud of my work. It looks WONDERFUL and I'm so excited to give it to him. It's just that now it's 3:30am and I still have to get a shower tonight because if I wait til tomorrow I'm going to end up waking up late and getting late to PE, which is the last thing I need. Yeah, I'm gonna go. Crazy #10.

Like creamy muddy chocolate you can just droooowwwn in...mmm

Matthew Broderick was HOT in the 80's. The most gorgeous eyes. Much better than Cillian's. Oh, much better.